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16th of July 2018


How to Dethrone Your Father Without Killing Him - The Good Men Project

—Are you the oldest son in your family, like I am?

I’m tired of being the bus boy son in my thirties. I don’t want to be treated like a crippled child by my father anymore.

I want to try this experiment of dethroning my father’s fears, projections, and neediness. I’m not letting him hold me responsible for his own bullshit. That’s kind of tricky because he’s my father. This is a very sensitive relationship to me. My goal is simply for him to acknowledge me in this present reality.

So, here’s what I’m pondering on the subject of claiming my place and power in our family kingdom.


1. I’m over 30, let’s embrace the reality. I’m biologically stronger than my father. If you’re not, sign up for a gym today.

2. I legally inherit the right to own all of his possessions. Here are my choices:

a) Ask for my share.b) Stay quiet and pray in silence that he doesn’t gamble away the whole thing.

3. Mark my territory. Act like I already own it. I live with my parents at the moment in our island summer house. My girlfriend and I took a room. We defend it by all means. We keep it locked. Nobody is entering our space.


4. My father will (maybe) always look at me as a boy. So I’ve got to find a way to present myself to him as a man. I’m telling it straight to his face.

“Don’t direct your aggression towards me or the rest of our family to cover your sadness.”

I’m trying to be a grown-up here. Give me a break.

“When it hits you, go squeeze a fucking pillow or do some exercise.”

The point is, the message is clear and without drama. I’m not attacking him. I’m just claiming my right.

5. I’m making my mother my “partner in crime.” This is not difficult. I’m asking for her advice and opinion.

6. My girlfriend will play the good cop. She’ll balance between opposite parties. Remember, this is an operation with no casualties.

7. I’m focusing on my father’s strengths and letting go of his insecurities. I’m embracing the fact that I’m the upgraded version of him. When I’m telling him to get his shit together, I do it from the place of gratefulness.

8. I’m brave. Maybe I get really angry. I consider my anger to be the reaction to injustice that is done to me by my father. I’m gonna take a breath and drive the anger vehicle in the direction of my truth.


9. I’m speaking my truth. Full voice. I’m feeling it. That’s the only strength I need.

10. I’m acting on my truth. I’m gonna be the man behind my words. When I do this, there’s no going back. My only option is to walk my talk.

11. I’m staying humble. He’s my father. This is not about killing him. It’s about taking my stand with respect. Even a little respect will do.


So, I did it. He became a little lamb for a day. I have no idea for how long will this last. He will probably lose it again.

So for me, the next challenge is to repeat this whole thing again. And maybe ask him to have a bottle of wine with me. And hang out like two guys without tutorials.


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